You might be sabotaging yourself!

“I cannot believe you did not work out…again!”

“That cookie jar was full when you came home, now it is half empty, well done, you moron!”

“You know what to do and you still don’t do it, you are just a lazy bastard!”

“You promised to play with your kids and what did you do? Watched Netflix, got a few chores done to feel better, and that’s it.”

 

We all might have heard versions of that not from other people but from our own minds. We don’t really need other people to criticize us, we are our own worst critics!

 

I have heard those things a thousand times. I am a food addict. I struggle every day with overeating, binging on chocolate, or certain savory foods. I don’t look like it, but I also have been working on my food addiction for years. 

I went so far as to use electroshock therapy on myself. I was simply disgusted and upset at my failure to gain control over my behavior…I was a personal trainer, after all. It didn’t work anyway.

 

I always thought that disciplining myself was the way to go. Turns out that self-discipline and disciplining yourself are two different things, at least for me.

Self-discipline is not a punishment but a practice while disciplining myself was more of a punishment, like doing extra cardio, depriving myself of food, etc. for behaving a certain way.

 

The Turnaround Point

 

The turnaround point came when I read about self-compassion and self-love. Initially, I thought what wishy-washy crap. This is for some wimps who don’t have their shit together. 

 

Then I realized I don’t have my shit together and all the other stuff I had tried had not worked. 

 

I read more about it and had to reassess my first reaction. 

 

In an article of 2018 Margie Warrell wrote: “Self Compassion can sound like a ‘feel good’ fluffy way of dealing with disappointments, failures, and mistakes…”

 

However, it turns out that having self-compassion has a bigger impact on success than being hard on yourself (study).

 

Warrell points out in her article that having more self-compassion leads to the following adaptations:

 

• Better and deeper relationships, you are more fun and pleasant to be around
• Your body image improves 
• You are less likely to mull over the same shit again and again
• You improve your motivation to learn and perform
• You are less likely to procrastinate and aren’t as perfectionistic

 

How Do You Apply It In Life?

 

There is an easy way to apply this in your life. 

 

First, start forgiving yourself for past mistakes. No, I don’t mean to lift the burden of responsibility from your shoulders; rather, move on and accept that you made a mistake and that there is nothing you can do to fix it. It has happened, time to move forward. 

You are basically hitting the reset button, starting over. 

Some of my clients ask how many reset buttons they get. The answer: as many as you need. 

This does not mean there are no consequences for your actions. Let’s say you drink and drive. Beating yourself up about it won’t change anything and if you get caught or have an accident you will have to live with the result of your actions. Yet, moving forward you can forgive yourself and work on doing better. 

The same applies to food, training, relationships, etc. 

You sit there with what you have done, take responsibility instead of staying in an endless guilt loop, and move forward to improve yourself.

 

How did Self-Compassion help me?

 

I stopped being hard on myself when I was overeating on foods I wasn’t supposed to. I forgave myself, which stopped the behavior sooner because I was not guilting myself as much, and I found a better equilibrium. 

 

When I spent my afternoon in front of the computer screen gaming after a 70-hour work week because I was fried and needed a break, I forgave myself instead of feeling guilty.

I would pull myself out of the funk, tell myself that I was understandably fried, but that my kids deserve better, and I would make the effort to be with them as much as I could, knowing that I would often fall short. 

 

When I was tired and struggled to get up in the morning to train myself before my clients, I would have some compassion with myself and then get up anyway, knowing doing something is better than nothing. 

 

Conclusion:

I am still fallible. I still make mistakes and fail. Every day. I am overall in a better place, despite long days, financial or relationship struggles, and being tired. 

Some days I do better than others. I acknowledge my pain, my suffering. I no longer diminish it or hype it up as much. 

 

I found that I have more energy, more willingness to do something productive since embracing self-compassion as part of my life. 

 

I am able to be more vulnerable to people in my life, which has returned to me in the form of better relationships.

 

Maybe this does not work for you, maybe you are stuck in being hard on yourself.

 

In the end, it is about what works for you. Chances are if you are reading this, your version of handling failure and mistakes is not working that well for you…

 

Maybe it is time to try a softer approach, even though you might see yourself as a tough person.

 

Yours, 

 

Michael