Keeping Promises to Ourselves: Why It Matters and How to Do It

Many people pride themselves on being honest, humble, and committed to keeping their word. While this is admirable, the reality is that we often struggle to honor the promises we make to ourselves. Here are some common examples:

• “This week I will not drink during the week because it negatively affects my sleep.”
• “I will go to bed by [time] to get more sleep.”
• “I will meal prep my food this week.”
• “I will go to the gym three times this week.”
• “I will spend less time on my phone while with my family.”
• “I will tackle the task of [specific task] that has been hanging over my head.”

The list goes on. We need to understand why keeping promises to ourselves is crucial and how to improve in this area.

Behavioral Change and Commitment

Promises serve as powerful motivators for change, even in the absence of external consequences. Keeping promises to ourselves helps maintain intrinsic motivation. When we consistently break these promises, even about small matters, we weaken our intrinsic motivation. For example, if someone eats the cake they said they wouldn’t, they might feel discouraged and let the whole day go off course.

Emotional Consistency

Maintaining consistency between our actions and words is essential for personal integrity. When we fail to follow through on promises, it disrupts our sense of emotional consistency and can lead to feelings of guilt or inadequacy.

Internal Value System

Promises align with our internal value system and create a sense of duty. However, if we continuously break promises, we undermine this value system, often without realizing it. This erosion can lead to diminished self-respect and inner conflict.

Self-Regulation Skills

The ability to keep promises is tied to self-regulation skills, such as conscientiousness. Effective self-regulation supports following through with commitments, enhancing personal discipline and reliability. Conversely, failing to keep promises weakens our self-regulation, discipline, and reliability.

Trust and Expectations

When we fail to meet promises and expectations, we disrupt the cycle of trust. This interruption affects both our trust in ourselves and how others perceive us. Consistently breaking promises can lead to a lack of trust in our own abilities and a weakened reputation with others.

Strategies for Keeping Promises

1. Set Realistic Goals: Break larger commitments into smaller, manageable tasks to avoid feeling overwhelmed.
2. Prioritize Your Promises: Focus on the most important promises and be selective about additional commitments.
3. Track Your Progress: Use tools like journals or apps to monitor your adherence to promises and make adjustments as needed.
4. Reflect and Adjust: Regularly review your commitments and adjust your goals based on current circumstances and priorities.

Summary

Keeping promises is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships with others and with ourselves. It supports behavioral changes, trust, self-regulation, alignment with our values, and emotional stability.

Conclusion

Why do we struggle to keep promises to ourselves? Often, it’s due to overcommitment. We tend to agree to too many things, causing our own needs and promises to suffer. While we can always reset and start over, it’s important to build a strong foundation of values, emotional stability, and self-trust. We all experience discomfort when we break our promises, but it’s essential to balance commitments with realistic expectations.

A practical rule of thumb is to aim to fulfill promises 90% of the time. This approach is challenging, as we tend to overcommit when things are going well, only to face unexpected obstacles later.

In my own experience, managing commitments has been a challenge. Running a business, juggling a three-way split family, and maintaining a long-distance relationship have all contributed to a busy schedule. Despite my initial overwhelm, I’ve committed to this group because I believe in its potential. If it becomes too much, I will be honest about my capacity and adjust as needed.

I hope this article helps some of you. I now commit to fewer things, turn clients away when necessary, and prioritize self-care. Achieving 90% adherence to my promises is a goal I am proud of. When I fall short, I reassess and adjust.

What has your journey been?

References

• Kanngiesser, P., Serko, D., & Woike, J. (2023). Promises on the Go: A Field Study on Keeping One’s Word. Frontiers in Psychology, 14. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1097239.
• Mischkowski, D., Stone, R., & Stremitzer, A. (2019). Promises, Expectations, and Social Cooperation. The Journal of Law and Economics, 62, 687-712. https://doi.org/10.1086/706075.
• Schwartz, S., Spires, E., & Young, R. (2014). Why Do People Keep Their Promises? A Further Investigation. Experimental Economics, 22, 530-551. https://doi.org/10.1007/S10683-018-9567-2.
• Vanberg, C. (2008). Why Do People Keep Their Promises? An Experimental Test of Two Explanations. Econometrica, 76, 1467-1480. https://doi.org/10.3982/ECTA7673.
• Peetz, J., & Kammrath, L. (2011). Only Because I Love You: Why People Make and Break Promises in Romantic Relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 100(5), 887-904. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0021857.